Before I went freelance, I ran a law office in the municipal sector for years. It was definitely an interesting job and holiday parties were occasions to remember. When you coordinate these events with attorneys, mayors, chiefs of police, superintendents of schools and other government officials - believe me, things get wild!
With memories of past holiday parties in mind, I decided to compile a brief list of "How To Get Fired At Your Office Christmas Party (For A Better New Year)" (many might be based on actual events):
1. Make photocopies of your butt and distribute them throughout the building. This is even more effective if you use two or more rear ends. We know how porn makes you popular. Think Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.
2. Make sure to bring half the buffet home in the oversize tote bag you brought along. Leaving a trail of crumbs behind is a telltale sign of your success. Maybe you can hit the bathroom for a couple of rolls of toilet tissue. If the supply cabinet is open, you hit the jackpot. Take everything you can - it's Christmas, isn't it, the time for giving and receiving?
3. Drink, drink and drink some more. After all, if it's free it's for me, right? Get completely crap-faced so all your words are slurred. When people get closer to try to understand you, shower them with saliva while you shout in their ear.
4. Use drinking as an excuse to tell stuff you shouldn't. Tell the competition all the company's proprietary secrets so the company realizes your actual worth. Let your boss know the guy in the next cubicle steals office supplies. Spread the news and share the joy for the holidays.
5. Flirt outrageously. Sit on your boss' lap. Proposition the CEO. Best of all, hit on the boss' wife. She will appreciate the attention and he gets tired of her nagging anyway. Dance with her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear so everyone sees your skill with the ladies.
6. Dance on tables. Sing loudly off-key. Make sure everyone knows who you are. After all, you do want recognition in the office, don't you? How can you get ahead if nobody knows who you are?
7. Circulate a petition about the company. Demand higher wages and more generous bonuses. Tell your boss the holiday party is a freakin' write off for the company and you'd rather see the money in your pocket. Let the boss know you can't be duped just because it's the holiday season! You know an Ebenezar Scrooge when you see one.
8. Wrap an empty box for the company grab bag. Chuckle when the menacing mail room guy gets it. Take an extra gift when it's your turn and refuse to put it back. Get everything you can and give nothing because the company owes it to you.
9. Bring a date who isn't afraid to speak up about corporate injustice and the tyranny of traditional employment. Make sure your date has plenty to drink. Whisper suggestions in your date's ear to encourage additional commentary. When your boss and co-workers get offended, make the excuse you didn't know your date had such a problem holding their liqour.
10. Don't attend the holiday party at all. Talk trash about your boss and the office everywhere you can. Create a blog dedicated to the latest "news" about your company. Prove your independence and ability to think on your own.
11. Attend the party with a hidden digital camera. Take pictures of your boss necking with the receptionist in the coat room. Distribute said photos all over every social and business network on the Internet. After all, didn't Britney Spears prove bad publicity is better than no publicity at all?
BONUS TIP: Bring your own copy of "You Can Take This Job and Shove It". Rather than coordinating Christmas carols (how boring and predictable is that?), get everyone to sing about shoving their jobs in unison. There's nothing like unity during the holiday season.
If you get fired, remember the company just can't handle someone like you with knowledge, communication skills and independent thinking.
P.S. In case you forget the lyrics, I'm including a YouTube video of "You Can Take This Job and Shove It" from Johnny Paycheck. Now you're ready for the party!
© 2008-2009 - All Rights Reserved Stacey Mamasaid D.
Ha ha ha..this was so funny. I'm sure someone has done at least one of these.
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